Latvian drivers are some of the best drivers in the world. After all, what other country can boast the highest car crash fatality rate in the European Union with 222 people killed per 1 million inhabitants?
Where else can you find 4,674 traffic collisions, 525 fatalities and 3,925 injured people per year? That’s got to be something worth celebrating hasn’t it?
Here are some top tips on how to drive like a Latvian:
Remember: You own the road. You alone are the most important thing on wheels, so make sure to extend no courtesy to any other road users at all. Other drivers are nothing, and should be ignored.
Take special care to discriminate against pedestrians and cyclists. If they are crossing the road, do not stop. If you can squeeze past them at a pedestrian crossing, then do so.
A vehicle is wasted if it isn’t going at top speed. Make sure to go faster than all other road users to show them how awesome you are at driving. They’ll soon realise that your 10-year-old BMW is the dog’s bollocks.
Speed limits are merely a guide, and should only be observed when police are around. Otherwise, make sure to stay at least 20-30 km/hr above limit.
Overtaking is the least dangerous thing to do on the roads, and should be done whenever possible.
Make sure to put everyone around you in danger when overtaking by passing on corners, at junctions, on the right-hand side of vehicles and in any other situation where you can play with people’s lives. There’s really no thrill like speeding towards someone on the wrong side of the road at top speed – it’s sure to give the other driver a laugh. They’ll love it.
Make sure you have a few banknotes in the car so that if you’re stopped you can “come to some sort of an agreement” with the officers involved. It’s not a bribe. Think of it as a small gesture of good-will. A “thank you Mr Officer for alerting me to my awesomeness” type of gift.
Using Your Horn
Your horn is to be used as much as possible. Take special care to use it when you see nervous or elderly drivers, since they really need to be alerted to your spectacular impatience. They’ll soon realise how much of a hurry you must be in and get right out of your way.
Top tip: If someone hasn’t noticed a traffic signal turning green, you have only 2 seconds to use your horn, before it’ll be too late to let them know. When stopped behind other vehicles, have one hand resting on the horn, just in case you need to sound it quickly.
In The City
The streets in built-up areas are the best place to drive fast and without care (especially near schools and crossings). That way, there are more pedestrians and cyclists to see you and your flashy Lexus. Make sure to force cyclists onto the pavements in fear, so they can wave at you safely as you scream past.
Tram rails were designed for cars to drive on them. Everyone knows that – make sure you’re using them to the fullest. If you see someone else using the tram lines to avoid cobbles, be sure to congratulate them on a job well done.
Everyone knows parking correctly in the right space is for losers. Make sure people notice your awesome car by parking it diagonally half-on the pavement, or for extra “cool points” have it stick out into the street. Blocking traffic is awesome, and remember nobody can tell you where to park. Car park lines are just a guide for those stupid “conformists”.
Astonishingly, Latvian cars do indeed have safety belts. Nobody has ever used them though, so we don’t know if they work or not. You’re welcome to give one a shot, but make sure nobody sees you with it on – they’ll think you’re a sissy.
Try – if possible – not to use your indicators – they will only let other people know your intentions, and if there’s one thing you don’t want people knowing, it’s where you’re going to be turning.
Everyone knows you can have 5 or 6 bottles of Bralis and still be fine to drive – the best advice here is to swerve wildly across multiple lanes – if you actively do it, it should counteract any drink-induced swerving, and keep you going in a perfectly straight line. Problem: solved.
Of course these helpful tips are all just guidelines – after all, you can pretty much do whatever you want on Latvian roads. It’s a veritable playground of death. It’s super-fun to try and create as many dangerous situations as possible, so remember folks – let’s keep it fast, and deadly!
Yes. This article is a joke. It’s satire, designed to alert people to the dire state of driving in Latvia. Please be careful when driving.